Dear Self,

You will make mistakes in life. Know that and understand it is inevitable. What you need to learn is to stop making the same mistakes. Plain and simple. As well. Try to be honest to yourself. Take the direction in life you want to take without worrying about others. You will be happy that way. Love the uncomplicated. Be only a friend with the complicated because they need that. Don’t mix those two. Dream realistically. Leave the far fetched for the fantasies that will fill your days and nights when boredom or loneliness kick the door down and shake you from the tree that you rocked in as a child. Boy. Man. Safety breached. Love. It isn’t a necessary thing but it truly shows you what life is. Makes you feel alive. Makes you wish of death. Makes you sigh and breathe heavily with rhythm and time. Makes you kick and regret. Turns your life upside down and that is what it does. Love.

Be true to yourself and hold back the truth when you feel it will hurt. But do not hold the truth back when it isn’t being true to yourself. If it haunts you for more than a day its time to tell the truth. Karma is a bitch but sometimes deserving. That to which we desire will never be easy. If it is we lose interest. The challenge or chase is not there and that is our nature to want. The hunt. Yeats said never give all the heart. Don’t. Not until that is all you have left to give.  And that will rarely happen. When it is failing. Don’t. When its time, you will know. The chase will be done and the answer will give you the right time.

Time is funny. We give it to others and take ours as well. We invest it. We blow it. People even say we waste it. We don’t. All time is important to us. Even the time the carries us from one event to another. Never give up time. Investing in it will usually give you a reward beyond anything we can imagine. It just takes some length sometimes for it to payout. Patience is needed so give it. Rewards a plenty.

So self. Learn from this. Take these words as a lesson that you need to learn in order to survive. It may take time for all of this to make sense and all of it to have meaning. But it will. No quick answers. Patience. Valour. Good luck.

Self

Certainty to Certain Things

Certain things in life:

Trying to be friends with an Ex never works.

Death

Lending money to friends.

The latter is a bitch. It is quite amazing how a friendship can be totally twisted and warped because of it. Right now I am experiencing this problem. I should know by now not to lend money to friends. My mother did it with her trusted friends and never got burnt by it. Me on the other hand, lending money out has become a black hole with regards to return. I feel like a creditor instead of a friend. I don't talk to the person outside of asking about when they are going to pay me back. Otherwise I can feel my blood pressure rise with every word out of their mouth and dollar spent.

Now you would think I would learn to not stick my finger in the light socket. But no, I punish myself and become the doormat again. No more. It is sad to become jaded from this but I really dislike losing a friend over something like this. So they begin the drift from friend to acquaintance to.... well someone you would rather not come across in a mall or a coffee shop.

So... Death... too tough a subject to hit on a Saturday night. Maybe some other night when I got Tom Waits playing and find the bottom of a bottle of wine.

-R

The moon and a Song

On my way home from coffee tonight, the full moon reminded me of something. A few years back, probably closer to 10, I used to get over failed relationships by naming a star in the Big Dipper constellation after the person i broke up with. Thinking that over time, you forget who was what star or they were replaced by another person. With Ben Harper's 'Walk Away' playing, I couldn't think of who was what star. They had all left my memory. They all became my yesterday. And tomorrow was just that. A sunrise away. Though, I have not met a woman that deserves a whole constellation. She would be the one that got away.

That or I need to start dating more.

-R

He who hesitates, masturbates.

Those who know me at this point are going, oh God!!

But I say, lets be honest. This statement is a very valid statement. I remember sitting in Monty’s, as a younger man, on a Saturday afternoon watching exotic dancers when this older gentleman asked to sit at my table. And so he did. We watched and as she walked off he commented on her looks and suggested I should go say hello and start something. That is the opposite of me. At least back then. He then continued telling me about his youth in Ireland going to dances with his brother. His brother was a bit of a player (my words) while he was the shy one. And on he went giving me a lesson in life. His brother would go over to the girls and ask them to dance. Once they were dancing, he would ask them if they wanted to fuck. Yes his words. Enter the lesson.

I cannot remember his exact statement, but here is a good recollection of his wisdom.

“My brother may have gotten slapped a lot with that business, but he also went home every dance with a girl on his arm.”

Lesson received.

In my early years, I was more like him. The kid who sits on the sidelines thinking about asking a gal to dance, and wishing he was more like his brother. I never thought about asking for more than that. Hell it wasn’t until 22 that I lost my virginity. That is another story and another bottle of wine.

Actually it wasn’t until I was 22 that I became the aggressor in some form. Until then I was like the Hip song, ’38 years old and never kissed a girl’. Yes that was going to be my destiny. In high school I did the school musical just to be around a girl I liked and never told, never  to action. I was too shy and too worried about rejection. Raise your hand if that was you in your high school years.

Years later, I am 22 and I lost my moral compass. I lose my virginity and started this life as a MAN. Summer hits and I have a one night stand with a married woman and have a mini-crisis for a week regarding it. Point being that something changed between being the sweet sideliner to being the guy who would get involved with a woman who was married. I didn’t hesitate. I acted or reacted. Funny what a sex life does to a person. Its not a matter of rejection anymore. Its more about when is going to be the next time. Terms like dry spells, libido and cunnilingus enter your vocabulary.

And here I stand at 35. Compass found. I tend to not act without thought. I however do not over think about it, because I would talk myself out of acting if that were the case. So some nights I hesitate. And sometimes I wake up the next morning feeling a little lighter on my feet.

Shit or get off the pot. I choose to sit and wait for it.

-R

Apologies

I am a typical Canadian, filled with apologetic qualities. Or maybe I am just a guy who thinks its his fault 98% of the time and that a 'sorry' is needed. Ok the latter is being a little hard on myself. 75%. Truth be told my life I have done a lot of things that I regret or that i feel i need to apologize for. As well, I am apologizing to all those who will read my blog. I don't wish to offend anyone and/or come off as a prick. The worst situation is that you have wasted your time reading my blog and you curse me for that. My reply, its the internet, the biggest waste of time.

For those who anticipate (fingers crossed) every post from my blog, I do not guarantee to be witty or charming. Truth be told, this is a means for me to release some angst from sexual frustration, mid-thirties crisis, and the uncertainty of being. I am filled with angst. Who isn't.

Another thing about me, I am upfront and open about most things in my life. The only thing I hide, which has been iffy doing so as of the last few years, is my feelings and emotions. Put the mask on and enter the stage which is life. Cough Cough Bullshit. I used to be really good at hiding how i felt behind some mask i would put on. Just found over the last few years I have grown tired and have failed with it. Its no biggie. Just evidence that I am not the angel/goldenboy that everyone told me i was. I am just the average joe.

SO... I am sorry for wasting your time and sorry for being who i am and sorry for who I am not.

-R